“You shouldn’t care what guys think.” It is the proportion of caring that matters. I hate being told falsehoods to comfort. It’s dismissive of my feelings and reality and can actually reinforce the perception or opinion since it makes me feel that since they dismiss my opinion they can’t actually answer my opinion, that what I feel is fact, true. Oh, and that is not just for the subject of beauty.
“Beauty is unimportant.” It certainly isn’t the most important thing, but to say it is unimportant, to imply that it doesn’t matter is deliberate falsehood. It does matter, in a perfect world, we would all be good and beautiful. All senses are important, to dismiss it thus dishonestly is to try to aim for some sort of haphazard, inconsistent ascetism.
“Beauty is subjective.” Yes and no. There are different tastes yes, but there is also some consensus on it as well. I think certain societies (ours, Panem in reality, thanks to Hollywood, and, I’m afraid porn and plastic surgery and botox all the innumerable things you can do to alter your face and figure) cement certain narrow and unrealistic standards and expectations more than others. But they can’t make everyone love the same things always, I’m realizing it is more subjective than I had formerly believed (feared?).
I mentioned earlier about discounting what older relatives and friends said in positive praise of beauty. I would generally measure my place in an scale of beauty by two means. The first would be the obvious one of attention from the opposite sex. Particularly of the sort where a guy would go out of his way to give it.
I feel that I’ve only received such attention that someone below average would receive. I do have a hostile air and expression, but I would think combined with real prettiness not even beauty men would not be put off by this manner and expression, and perhaps really prettiness (or perhaps only real beauty could achieve this) couldn’t truly look as hostile as I can? But then, perhaps the Barbie style is more expected here.
My second standard is my own, if I see it, if I match what I think is beautiful. I think a lot of people might also mention society and societal standards generally. I think I use this as a source of measurement, but I don’t think it is the whole of this. I think I see many things and need to be satisfied within myself whether this or that meets my standard. I think when I have a high standard it is hard to fail to notice when I don’t even meet an average standard. And I don’t think this is insecurity, certainly I have that, but I’m talking about assessing.
I think I’ve lived with this assessment and comprehension of what guys think for long enough that it doesn’t hurt as much as it did (combined with learning maybe beauty isn’t as objective as I’d thought), I’ve not achieved confidence exactly, more resignation, but yet, I’m less insecure. I’ve always HATED the thought of undergoing surgery and such like to achieve a false beauty. And learning all the little things many women do change, I find it enraging, it DOES hurt those of us who don’t, it does raise the standard of beauty falsely.
I want to be both myself and beautiful, and if that is not to be, then I want to be myself.